Chris Christie GOP Keynote Will be First Convention Speech With 7 Second Delay

By Jesse Merkel  

FLASH! It's official! New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will give the keynote speech at the Republican National Convention in Tampa Florida later this month. Narrowly beating out stand-up Don Rickles for the coveted opening slot, Chris Christie has been hard at work, composting draft after draft of a speech that he assures crowds will take the same kind of civil tone that his counterparts in the Democrat party have.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus was able to confirm that Governor Christie's speech will be the first prime time keynote with a seven second delay. 

Chris Christie GOP Keynote Will be 
First Convention Speech With 7 Second Delay 

When asked for a comment on Christie's upcoming keynote, President Barack Obama responded, "Well, I disagree with him a lot, but man is he funny! I'll be sure to watch!" White House spokesman Jay Carney has repeatedly denied rumors that David Axelrod had to correct the president's false assumption that the New Jersey Governor was actually Tony Soprano, who was portrayed by James Gandolfini in the hit HBO show The Sopranos. 

Keynote and featured speeches are important because they can be instrumental in setting the tone for everything at the events. The Democratic National Convention for example, will have Massachusetts Congressional Candidate Elizabeth Warren as one of their headliners this year. Warren has repeatedly said that she will not try to keep up the ruse that she is in fact part Native American. 

While many people have speculated as to what kind of tone the wily Christie will be setting for the rest of the convention, several of the nations top political thinkers have already weighed in:

"I dislike him, and I dislike all Republicans,' said CBS's Bob Schieffer, who declined to answer any more questions, saying that he had to make it home in time to tune in for Rachel Maddow, citing that he knows she doesn't get that many viewers as it is. "I personally wasn't planning on tuning in," MSNBC correspondant Andrea Mitchell said. "I'll be helping my friends in Charlotte prepare for some big thing going on the week after."

"You mean they didn't give it to me?" Responded a distraught Newt Gingrich. 

"He still hasn't returned any of my calls,' said a teary-eyed Ann Coulter. Top democratic strategist James Carville gave a quote which will become available as soon as the nation's top linguists have figured out what exactly it was that he said.

One thing is for certain. This will be an epic speech. However, despite the fact that Governor Christie is known for sometimes saying things that other politicians would never say, he promised that he will limit his use of offensive words to those with only four letters.

When asked if he would be taking any cheap shots, the governor simply said "I'm bigger than that," gave the reporter the finger, and then exited while Thunder Road played in the background.

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